• Diana McLaren

Are you a pirate?


There is an advertisement going around telling us that we may be pirates and not even know it and this is a very serious concern because you should know if you’re a pirate so here is a checklist to figure out if you’re a pirate;

  1. Is there a bird on you shoulder?

  2. Do you say Argh regularly?

  3. Do you live on a pirate ship?

  4. Have you ever requested parlay?

  5. Do you ever go more than one day without showering?

  6. Do you enjoy singing drunkenly?

  7. Is there a plank?

  8. Do you regularly get drunk?

  9. Do you drink rum?

  10. Do you use a sword when fighting off other pirates?

  11. Do you frequently demand other people’s treasure?

  12. Do you have brown eyes?

  13. Are you carrying around a gun with one bullet to use against the man who mutinied against you?

  14. Do you have a thing for Keira Knightly? Or Oralndo Bloom? Or Johnny Depp?

  15. Are you obsessed with treasure?

  16. Does you hair touch your shoulders?

  17. Do you thirst for blood?

  18. Do you sparkle?

  19. Do you like ice cream?

  20. Do women in tight corsets that push their boobs up under their chins surround you?

  21. Do you have a flag with a skull on it or just a skull in general? (Other than the one in your own head)

  22. Do you ever feel the need to pierce random parts of your body?

  23. Do you ever feel the need for tattoos?

  24. Do you wear a vest?

  25. Are your pants loose?

  26. Do women regularly slap you?

  27. Do you literally have deep pockets and metaphorically have shallow pockets because your plans to steal things always fail?

  28. Do you have good nutrition?

  29. Do you have scurvy?

  30. Are you afraid of the East Indian Trading Company?

  31. Do natives try to cook and eat you?

  32. Do you wear boots?

  33. Do you like apples?

  34. How do you like them apples?

  35. Do you believe in ghost stories because you’re possibly in one?

If you answered yes to over 50% of these questions there is a good chance you’re a pirate. If you didn’t answer yes to at least 50% of these questions you could still be a pirate. If you answered yes to 14 and 15 you are a vampire from a particularly diskliked franchise and should probably have that looked at by a medical professional.

In conclusion this test is inconclusive.

I just realized the ad may not have meant an actual pirate but film and television piracy, which is serious and should not be mocked. Particularly not by people who grew up downloading because the media industry and grown so large and monopolized it felt comfortable overcharging people.

I mean no we don’t do that. No one has ever illegally downloaded anything ever. To be fair I'm too lazy to dowload anything since Netflix now exists.

However I suggest that in the future when you're "not illegally downloading films" you should "not wear a pirate hat" and "not declare war on the world".


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